Death's Second Self

It's that time of year when everything consumes me;
I'm present but only faintly,
I'm the outline of a shadow you once thought of fondly.

Catch my breath and hold it tight,
ritualize compassion tonight.

Another year spent frantically escaping;
I've got so many plans that leave my heart breaking
and harden my frown lines.

I'm melancholic in my disdain for existing.

Letting myself slip just
little by little until the avalanche overwhelms me:
I can't seem to breathe with your memory.

I'll let remission wash over me.

You Lied

Surrender to me,
come on.

We've been dancing on the tracks
for weeks,
rubbing sticks together for heat.

Taking turns singing,
but I, keep losing my breath
so darling, darling.

Crumble mountains to the sea.

Whoa.
No, no, no!
(...)

Every Day

I watched with eyes glazed over as
little bits of me
circle the drain.

New battles every day.

And when I find the time
to realize anything,
everything drifts away.

New demons every day.

Winter's bone picked me again
so I'll hibernate,
my hybrid fight or flight
working overtime.

Every day, every day.

The Exquisite Pain

The exquisite pain of knowing:

I've been tied down
for so long
I've forgotten freedom,
I long for your restraints.

Every almost morning
there's a flicker of
a former self
fighting to get out,
until I swallow
the bitter pill
and bite down.

I'm an addict
pretending
this is what I want.

I've reached my limit (again)
and I'm tired of dreaming.

So I'll untie myself tonight.

Freedom,
a new kind of pain.

Enough.

I'm chasing white rabbits
further down holes
I have no business being in.

I hoped if I could
shake you awake
you would see. Instead, I'm
etching deeper into old wounds
seeking fresh blood.

I thought I had something
I needed to say
to you, but
it was just something
I needed to say -
you notwithstanding.

I'll leave the lingering why
in the vacuum universe
where we once existed,
the Unknown.

Terror/love

Heart of gold, turned stone:
you're breaking me.

I'm blind to all your madness while

losing my mind
three letters at a time.
Glued to the beat,

I'm waiting.

A mixture of terror/
love washes over me.

Don't

Silence speaking volumes,
my ears are left ringing.

What was the point of any of this?

We're born into violence;
spend our lives thrashing,
dragging each other down
only to rip out our own hearts.

Just don't.

We never had a chance.

Casual Cruelty

A sweet melody,
casual cruelty.

Giving ourselves away in pieces,
bit by bit
we disappear.

Tonight
the mirror's empty, but
the glass is full. 

We're drowning in inches. 

Semantics.

We're bound for the floor. 

Pathetic.

 

I'll close the door behind me.

The Hunger

Bowing down.

I feel the hunger ravaging my insides
until only scraps remain.

You're the illusion of sustenance,
never leaving me full.

And I'm starving.

I'm so ready to bite the hand that feeds.

Lean in,
I'll steal the breath right off your lips.

The Tarpit

there is no escaping
you, the tarpit
a plague on this dead colony

clawing toward the horizon
but sticking in the dirt,
your stigmatic ego is
dragging us back down

out of your element
in the elements, while I'm
drowning in the light
of your eyes

spotlighting my disaster

Something in the Way

Maybe it's the silence/
maybe it's the way
you push my hair back
off my face
I cannot know the meaning/
cannot know our fate
(but I'll) keep on coming back for you
every single day

something in the way,
(there's something in the way)

We're bleeding all our feelings
making no mistakes
calling into question
why I hesitate
we're sharing all these words
and I swear I like the taste
but something is amiss,
something's in the way

Lechery

Something forbidden bubbles to the surface
suddenly bursting, spreading infection.

My lungs tighten
as I breathe in your toxins.

No doubt, you will be the end of me.

I quiver and quake by your side,
begging for breath, knowing full well
I will succumb to your intoxication.

I am dizzy and infatuated, infuriated
by this need to share your lethal air.

Royalty

Red blinds, tucked tight
to signal inflicted misery,
but it's a short walk across the street. 

Double dog detour. 

Bones jutting like crowns,
lies beneath our surface.

Stolen royalty, mostly
thirsty to get caught.

Buried Alive

Terror eclipsed
the mark of misery takes shape
your lies are coming full circle
trying to escape your fate

Take pride
in every mistake you defiled
branded by our connection
the burden behind your disguise

Your every breath is failing you
your reign is finally over
words hollow as graves escape
but who will hear you now?

Voracious Appetite

Losing part of my mind
an hour at a time.

Breath ignites
the flame inside
when souls collide
every night.

Take it easy, kid.
You'll lose an eye.

Intimacy

Let's find the lines and blur the tides
of waves forming between our thighs
find me howling at the moonrise at noon
crafting mountains dragging me to you 

What'd you call this time we're spending
withering away together?

Let's just say
what the chemicals formulate,
I'm saying words
but you can't relate

Something about the way
we can't look in the eyes after
spending thirty hours
contaminating each other

so certainly, we flee the scene

we'll never speak until
pheromones betray our intentions

Such a shining example of intimacy
the air our lungs are sharing, you and me
So used to breaking things to feel anything,
but what's anything worth tonight?

Let's just say
what the chemicals formulate,
I'm saying words
but you can't relate

and you don't have the guts
to make this real anyway

Follow the Sun

Count all my needs on one hand tonight

two sips, two lips
eaten alive

and I should know better,
but I don't.

Let's go.

The sun's going down
and I'm at your beck and call.

Tell me tell me tell me
to follow the sun

Unorthodox

On the brink of eruption
(fade in)

Empty bottles in the street
crunching underneath rising volatility
(cue smoke)

The death of wonder
provoking unorthodox seance:
busting thumbs.

Itchy fingers pending blood loss
reaching out, praying;
delinquency comes full circle.

Please, I just miss my little boy.

Conquest and the Conquered

interest piqued
mouth breached
taste everywhere we've been tonight

conquest and the conquered
who's keeping score?

bruh.

Realigning priorities,
I feel like youth has betrayed me.

No waves.

Hours to kill and
no energy left
to throw in the towel.

Still water.

I'm on the rocks
and drowning,
sinking deeper.

Finding new lows,
take it away bruh.

Traces Remain

Getting to
    the root,
the heart of it all,

traces will always remain;
scarred over bits of
    sentimentality
where I've learned from living
(and vice versa).

After kicking myself awhile,
I regret nothing.

Sometimes a spotlight is necessary
to illuminate the cracks,
identify weakness, and
    bloom.

My Thoughts Are Scattered All Across This Street

Just a glimpse
into a forfeited future,
because it's not nice to stare.

Compartmentalizing afterthoughts:

I'm on another planet and it's all three's
(the magic number).

Find the dynamite, let sparks fly.

Up in smoke nothing's tied down.

My thoughts are scattered all across this street
and maybe
it has nothing to do with seeing you...

Momentary Art

I long to part her like the sea;
wide open cavity

her sap is sweet
like cider

our every sin blending together,
skin on skin

our bodies making momentary art
faded by sunlight

Nothing Matters

Tracing the roots back to
homes where we don't live anymore;
nothing remains.

Barely ground beneath our feet,
we're melting wax to feel the heat.

You expose your neck, suddenly
you're fifty feet tall and
the world resets again.

Feelings rush, escape;
I'm bleeding.

chaos.

new layers of skin forming
old habits

dying hard as
speech becomes noise and
silence becomes sloppy,
slurring ambitions
blinking to forget

this chaos.

uttering words mustered from
the bottom of lungs
but finding no meaning
in the compounding syllables.

this chaos
spread to my bones.

this chaos
knows no bounds
but the haste of each day wasted
searching for the light
in another,
waiting on the dust to settle.

[orig 5-Dec-18]

Inebriated

Fixated
or captivated,
the result remains the same.

I'm simply stuck in your blue eyes,
woefully inebriated.

Left to Chance

Strong hands and
those eyes.

Don't let go.

Smiles all around and
you nonchalantly follow.

My heart is skipping like a child.

What if I never see you again?

Other Stories

We were the greatest story ever told
until we started telling ourselves
other stories.

A little worse for wear, a little bitter.

I'll close my eyes to the world outside
if you tell me one real thing:
am I better off alone?

Maybe it's been time
to give up and go
for longer than I care to know.

The timing never felt so right,
down to the seconds,
compounding silence and memories.

Red Rocks

Stranger trails.

Paths once forged together
met by overgrowth,
died in time
unsurprised.

I used to think I'd die by your side.

Fools always rush to gold,
but I didn't mind
playing the fool in your eyes.

I'd watch the sun rise
over dying tides
every night, a thousand times
to learn what I know now.

Praying to red rocks,
turning them gold.

Dead in Denver

A life revised,
disarticulated mountainside.

Life echoes all around, but
the wind still smells the same
at this elevation.

Scatter me along your favourite trail
on just another day,
carry on all the same.

Catch/Release

It's all rough terrain
ten steps from the end of the world,
where I've made my home.

Please don't say you didn't know,
read the signs:

you gotta catch and release baby,
catch and release.

I was never yours to hold,
darkness comes and darkness goes.

You gotta catch and release, baby.
Please release me.

Stumble

I took the trip without you,
stumbled all alone.

Freaky how it all works out,
tell 'em Caroline.

All in the name of
the Crooner (round two),
you wanna fuck this time up too?

Wondering aloud
who I was to you,
my scaredy bones are left chattering.

Our dusty remains blowing away,
swept up by the wind
of another brand name city,
not my own.

I'll stumble on alone.

Revival

Revolving ghosts
separating mind from flesh:

a welcomed ritual.

Now dance!,
consume my thoughts
just a little more.

Leave no room for doubt.

Ignite my misery,
call it a wash.
Our insatiable lovelust,
never enough.

Every iteration
is still just you.

Antithetical reactions boast
disappointing egoic revivals.

Catching Flies

Drawing new lines,
forming words, but barely.

My mouth is ajar, catching flies
begging for a buzz.

There's no light behind my eyes
this late at night
and you can read it on my face.

This state I'm in isn't contagious
but maybe it's best to stay away.

Another night
I put on the moon on ice,
but I'll survive another day
just staying in one place.

And after all I've seen
and all you claim to know,
tomorrow night
I'll just be putting on another show.

Tapestry

The ashy remains
of love that burned too bright,
but somehow never right.

Our tattered tapestry
weighs so heavily,
and I want at least a shred
of a memory to hold on to,
to love endlessly.

If an unsung ending
is what this needs,
I'll incorporate with our remaining threads.

I'll always have roots that lead back to you.

Every line, every fiber a reminder
of our now threadbare colors
turned vestiges,
faded to black.

Here, Again

Groundhog day
(oh, here we go...)
let me know if you see a shadow.

I was hoping for an early spring,
but I can see in your eyes
that won't be happening.

Would've settled for a rainy day,
but feelings are typhoons
when we're acting this way.

How did we get back here again?

Living in the shadow of a feeling,
fleeting,
and now just a memory.

We used to find comfort in the simple things
but now that those days are gone,
does anything still remain?

Maybe we started at the finish line
and with nowhere to go
we were wandering aimlessly.

Knowing

What now?

I can't help but wonder while
taking stock of the love
that should've been forever
if not for my mortal meddling;

I see it written in the stars,
hear it in the wind.

It leaves a void
never to be filled by another,
the heaviest empty.

Feelings turned phantom
turned haunting,
but maybe I'm not meant to
let this go:
my bones told me so.

I've never felt anything
so far outside myself,
this knowing.

And if it turns out
I have the power to project onto the stars
and I've been seeing my own signs all along,
I'd be as mystified as you.

But I know this to be true.

Spit

You spit my poems back at me
like hearing them in your voice
would change their meaning.

I liked it more when you
held your body against me,
instead of my words.

When I finally made you writhe
on my tongue,
you tasted sweeter than honey.

Then you climbed on top
and spit on me...

Prolonged Entanglement

At first,
I wanted to be in your debt,
grasping for any reason
to prolong our entanglement.

I was enthralled to a ghost,
a slave to your memory.

I'm done bracing myself
for your whiplash.

I'm letting go of
the idealized version of you
crafted in my mind.

I'll acknowledge and accept
this lingering unknown,
and walk away.

The Light That's Dying To Go Out

A pain unspoken hides behind
the light that's dying to go out.

An alluring flame that
burns the brightest
and I'm helplessly drawn in;

want to drown in that light.

Nine Apologies

I'll let your silence fulminate,
all the things you've already said,
and leave for the dust;
accepting what is
as reality.

Still,
you stick to my bones,
I can't just shake you off.
And two things can be true at once;
no one truth holds more power.

Reverence is remedy
but needs to cut both ways.

We can't take turns enduring.
A thousand smalls cuts divided
is still too many.
All the blood we're spilling is old,
a deeper crimson,
in need of release.

Gut-wrenching love:
a painful devotion.

I won't cause you any more suffering.

Porcelain

My past actions are a raging bull,
the present is porcelain.
Your heart needs two hands
and I'd just as soon sever mine
for you.
Say the word.
Say any word.
Please talk to me.

Time Lapse

Clever drawings
picking bones

Oh yeah, today
I saw your ghost

Feels like letting go
Feels like comatose

Today I
saw your ghost

feels like I'll
die alone

feels like
I don't know

it was just a ghost
years ago

thither soul

thither soul
onward
looking out
seek not within
seek only without
know no limits
know no foes
know no folly
know no woes

thither soul
outward
never look within
for if you seek trouble
know where it brews
if you seek to know
understand you never will

thither soul
I love you
for you know no sin

Disarticulation

Six degrees removed
seethed, severed from the bone.
I feel the claws dig in.
This time there's no time
to discuss repercussions;
amputations abound.

The Professors

She slumps down under running water,
fully clothed.
Tears blend.
Missing a newfound part
meant to become whole.

Bloodbath.

He finds the significance of her silence
pooling around the drain.

A part of him dies too,
a part waiting to be actualized
now departed.

Time isn't linear
and they stay in the rain
for days,
only a blink of the eye.

They're forever lost to each other,
only memories left to recover.

When To Shatter Glass

Layers of separation,
on the outside looking in.

Trying to forge new paths
but finding only
long corridors, glass walls.

I can see it all,
but there's a blockage.

I'm so close to a breakthrough;
I'm not afraid of shattered glass.

Something always holds me back.

There's beauty in the longing,
inspiration in the beauty.

I'm not meant to reach the end,
not yet.

Waiting for the right time
to shatter the glass.

Tramp

I brush my boots
all the same.
Wait for me,
or not.

Promise I'm good,
not too far gone.
Let Gabby tell you,
finish the bottle.

No consequences
until the sunlight,
my greatest foe
never seen me quite right.

Oh hello, old friend.
Can you see me if I burn bright?
Can you see me?

Valour on your mind,
call a car, oh yeah.
I'm doing just fine.

Don't have to wait for me,
promise.

Five Beautiful Deaths Under the Moonlight

You are the tiger I ride
to the edge of the world,
deep into the night.

And if this is all fantasy
I'll die in ecstasy
five times tonight,

beautiful deaths under the moonlight;

reading the stars and
following lines older than time;

ravaged by sins and
forsaking the sunlight.

The Ashes

Old flames ignite
spontaneously from the ashes.

Silence shattered in favour of
synergy,
making way for long hours spent
dancing between disbelief and
anarchic fervor.

Let anger burn bright,
front and center.

I'll pull the wool further down
over my eyes
and let our spark
consume everything.

Your flame brands me;
I'm forever marked.

The Pines

Oh so fine, crafted lies
telling myself all the time.
What's this chemical
on my mind?
Falling down a pipeline,
who's asking?
Someone I can't recognize,
stuck in the pines.

My heart grows weaker
with every beat.
Counting down
to the unknown.
Muted tongues don't
mean the words they speak.

Sadness behind smile lines.

Specifics

Don't ask for specifics,
can't quite say why.
Get the bag, get the ring.
Dropping vowels like
dropping keys,
nothing specific, missing me.
Clenching jaw like crooked spine
wish you well, wish you mine.

Decorum

I won't sleep tonight.
I'm a mess of chemicals and memories
prohibiting any sort of slumber.

I have no one to share my inner-most
something something,
anything.

Alone in the dark,
waiting for the light to come
and wash clean another day
of unfulfilled haste
as I malinger here,
my present state:
Waiting.

I have so much to say
but no voice
and no taste to extrapolate.

I'm a dial tone on my way to the receiver.
Silence.

Call me out,
please.

That's That

At what point did I
stop owing you and
start owing myself?

Find some grace from
love all around and
christen my new life.

Just because I could wait forever
doesn't mean I should.
And I can't,
so I won't.

And that'll be that.

Bloody Nose

Bloody nose
from the cold
we let things go
feels like years ago

The river runs lonely
no stranger to being alone

Dew

There was a day when I had it all
everything I could ever need,
all of you,
sitting beside me.
Watched as that day slipped by
I didn't even realize all that I had lost,
barely blinked an eye.

Now I'm haunted, so haunted by you
memories flood in, I don't know what to do
I'm haunted, so haunted by the thought of you
everything that fell away drags me back down

I steer clear of what I know still lingers
and I'm dodging more than ever before.
I see you everywhere and nowhere at all;
lost sight, left with such long walks home.
My heart's not in it, nowhere at all.

I'm haunted, so haunted by the ghost of you.
Never in my life have I been so scared,
tell me what to do.

I'm six hundred miles down, so lost without you;
an invariable train-wreck, off the tracks.
I don't know what to do.

I'm the lonesome dew
mourning each new day without you.

Outro

The darkness washed away the moon.
There was a death that night,
every night.
Followed his hands
then your own,
but found no flesh.

He walked into the forest.

Fun and Games

Leans in, doesn't waiver.
An indecipherable smile ensues
right on cue.

Glances like,
what's this now?

Who knows.

Understandable inquiry
with no answer in sight.

Who knows, lets go.

It's all fun and games until,
don't say it.
It's all fun and games.

Dust Bunny

Skin on skin on
weathered fabric.

I smell dust bunnies.

Let us exchange
nothing more than
time and digits:
I'm not picky.
Not like I was longing
for someone else
all night...

Thin walls, shaking
though not scared.

I'm not really sorry.

Maybe I'll see you again,
wither away some time
together.

The Ropes

A familiar scent,
though it used to resonate
on my skin.

I'm forming new bridges,
would you like to cross?
Trips to facilities needed,
desired.

A more delicate touch
found to be enticing.

Beats on floors on
hands on braids,
and I'm pulling the ropes.

Hoping for someone else to
call the shots.

Spellbound

Rolling around in the dirt
and coming out
looking so clean
should be illegal.

Have you bewitched
the earth too?
Is nothing immune
to your spell?

You utter three words
and I'm yours.

Must be sorcery.

Why else
would I be so eager
to bend to your every whim?

Stuntman

Stuntman,
out here like
what you say?
When you been?
How you do?
Who you know?

Look at my...
you already know.

Hold it in.
But you already know.

The Verdict

Head infected with
images of her,
everywhere we loved
each other.

When did my love
become obsession?

    Was it on the bathroom tile?
    The kitchen counter?

Trying my hardest
to keep a clear head
for the impending summation,
but stuck in
    her reverie.

No one understands
why the risk was worth
the torture.

    I think it was
    the small couch
    in the back room.

She's calling out to me
in my dreams,
some would deem nightmares,
a haunting.

    The small of her back.
    The nape of her neck.
    Her lip, bit.

This is my doing.
    She tainted me, my world.

This is my undoing.
    I call out without knowing.

B-Words

You went out looking,
found your guilty conscience,
and fueled it.

Wanted to know what
it felt like
to be wanted again.

The feeling scared you,
so you
lashed out at your love.

Brutal honesty
for a brute.

Passion and love
die on different hills.

Filthy

Licking your breadcrumbs
off the floor,
begging for more.

God this is getting messy
but I'll keep paying either way,
welcoming consequence;
I'm so filthy.

Tell me.
Tell me I'm so filthy.

Please.

The Avalanche

The avalanche -
no reason ensues.
Passion and feeling,
intuited.

Struggling
from both sides,
a strange camaraderie forms.

Paul Moon

Thought you'd start howling
at any moment.
Leading with your
unchecked ferality,
hoping for shock and awe.
(Mostly just very obviously
starved for attention.)
I see you, I have no choice;
you assume something deeper,
crave it, assert your desire.

Don't get creepy man,
it's too early for this shit.

Count my lucky stars
it wasn't a full moon tonight.

Cold Feet

Knee-deep in avoidance,
and I see it.
The mirror's right there
after all.

I can't bring my eyes
to meet yours.

Voicemails unplayed.

I mean,
I love you.
This can still be love,
right?

I'm cowering
and licking my
self-inflicted wounds.

Into the Blue

Aiming out of the blue
lacking everything but desperation,
ground control says
I need more fuel.

That sinking dread comes back in spades
as I drift further out of orbit.

Everyone knows I'm losing control
but tell me I'll be fine.
Gravity has a way
to stop you in your tracks,
so give it time.

Just close your eyes.

Now the night's overtaking days
and I'm taking note
while claiming no change is necessary.
I'll stay my course,
see this through.

What's the worst gravity can do to you?

The Floor

Slept on the floor
for you.
And if that's not enough
I can't imagine
the levels of depravity needed
to appease you.
I'll trudge these depths
for another hour or two
doing quick math but
I wouldn't count on
much more than that.

Two Hunters Meet at the River Mouth

Hardly unattainable,
my Stella.

Long nights and loose buttons
run my mind around,
but I long for more.

Drain me,
test every ounce of endurance
in my meager body.

This intimate obsession:
the hunt.

Let us not resort to
meaningless violence
yet again.

Look at me.

Look at me, Stella.

I'll wait until you finally see.

Lashing Out Aimlessly

Never found a bone
I didn't want to pick,
and I wanna
keep em all too.
Build new skeletons
in secret
to scare away my thoughts
of you.
What am I really holding on to?
Clicking tongues and scraping bones,
not my own.

Never home.