Death's Second Self

It's that time of year when everything consumes me;
I'm present but only faintly,
I'm the outline of a shadow you once thought of fondly.

Catch my breath and hold it tight,
ritualize compassion tonight.

Another year spent frantically escaping;
I've got so many plans that leave my heart breaking
and harden my frown lines.

I'm melancholic in my disdain for existing.

Letting myself slip just
little by little until the avalanche overwhelms me:
I can't seem to breathe with your memory.

I'll let remission wash over me.

You Lied

Surrender to me,
come on.

We've been dancing on the tracks
for weeks,
rubbing sticks together for heat.

Taking turns singing,
but I, keep losing my breath
so darling, darling.

Crumble mountains to the sea.

Whoa.
No, no, no!
(...)

Every Day

I watched with eyes glazed over as
little bits of me
circle the drain.

New battles every day.

And when I find the time
to realize anything,
everything drifts away.

New demons every day.

Winter's bone picked me again
so I'll hibernate,
my hybrid fight or flight
working overtime.

Every day, every day.

The Exquisite Pain

The exquisite pain of knowing:

I've been tied down
for so long
I've forgotten freedom,
I long for your restraints.

Every almost morning
there's a flicker of
a former self
fighting to get out,
until I swallow
the bitter pill
and bite down.

I'm an addict
pretending
this is what I want.

I've reached my limit (again)
and I'm tired of dreaming.

So I'll untie myself tonight.

Freedom,
a new kind of pain.

Enough.

I'm chasing white rabbits
further down holes
I have no business being in.

I hoped if I could
shake you awake
you would see. Instead, I'm
etching deeper into old wounds
seeking fresh blood.

I thought I had something
I needed to say
to you, but
it was just something
I needed to say -
you notwithstanding.

I'll leave the lingering why
in the vacuum universe
where we once existed,
the Unknown.